It’s
the season of love, and once again, despite a gap in posts on Got Midlife, I felt
inspired to post something amidst the barrage of flowers, chocolates and all
things hearts. My source of inspiration? A colleague of mine who read last
year’s post on “Ho-hum…Just Another Valentine’s Day” asked me if things had
changed since then. Indeed,
they had, so I thought it worthwhile to provide an “update.”
Over
the year, my status as a single midlifer has remained the same: single. And the
journey has also remained as amusing and interesting to me as ever…but not
everyone finds singlehood as intriguing. In fact, for many single midlifers
this status serves as a source of stigma, depression and isolation. And for
those who have the experience of a recent breakup, the transition to singlehood
feels doubly tough.
Many
of us hurl ourselves back into the dating world, coupling with people we
probably wouldn’t have were it not for the fact that going back to being single
seems so much harder…and lonelier. Speaking for myself, it’s taken several
years to get that ‘ol feeling back – that “I know who I am now and I’m totally
okay with being single again.” I make no apologies for not having a boyfriend/
husband and I have to admit that it makes me smile deep down inside when people
seem baffled that I could be as happy without a partner.
So,
what insight did I gain over the year to bring me to a better state of mind? A
couple of things…LESSON 1 – Know the difference between “loneliness” and “solitude"
I’ve been mulling this dichotomy over for a number of months now – loneliness versus solitude – what’s the difference? I’ve realized that it comes down to how we choose to live.
“Loneliness is marked by a sense of
isolation. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being
lonely and can lead to self-awareness.” 1
Essentially,
loneliness reflects the negative qualities to being solo – a sense of isolation,
the feeling like something’s missing. Solitude on the other hand is more
positive – it’s about being alone but with a state of mind
where one feels contentment either with others or by yourself.
The
key here is connection: to yourself and to others. People who live in solitude have
a life rich with relationships – not necessarily intimate ones, but instead
deeply emotionally connected ones. They give love and receive love by the
people in their lives. They are emotionally nourished. Over the past year, I
have come to understand and embrace solitude,
and thus, seldom feel “alone.”
LESSON 2: Be in it for the right reasons…
The
feelings of loneliness can sometimes urge us to do things that aren’t
necessarily good for us. For example, trying to make a relationship work even
though you know deep down, this is not going last; or tolerating bad behavior
when you know you should leave.
For
whatever the reason, when we’ve been single for too long we tend to put on our
rosy-colored glasses and pretend that everything is okay when it's not. We might overlook some troublesome statements or
behavior. But most of all, we tend to convince ourselves maybe it’s better to
be in something than nothing at all. Whatever the rationale, the truth is we’re in that relationship because
of fear, not love.
Over
the years, I’ve learned how my fear of being alone has served as a strong catalyst
to making me tolerate all sorts of bad relationships. But over the year, I’ve finally understood its nature… and I’ve worked harder to not only
take my power back, but to give myself permission to wait for the right
relationship – to not settle on someone due to fear, but to wait…to wait for
love.
LESSON 3: Know yourself better...
Because I’m clearer now about who I am, I am also clearer about the type of partnership that I want.
This has had, of course, a chilling effect on my dating pool, lol - not because there aren’t good guys out there to date. It’s just that who they are and who I
am isn’t necessarily a good fit. And
that’s really okay for me.
As a
midlifer, I have perspective now – and if you’re a midlifer reading this, you
know what I mean by that. I’m no longer interested in repeating my
past mistakes. Time
has given me the gift of reflection, so I’ve been able to use that as a way of
knowing me. I’ve done more soul searching and understand what
it is I bring to a relationship and what I need to work on. I've gained insight about what's worked and what didn't work in my previous relationships.
The point is when we understand ourselves, we change
the way we do relationships. We can avoid repeating unhealthy relationship patterns
of the past, and foster strong and loving bonds with our partners. But that's only possible when you
are the best expert on you.
LESSON 4: Find your soul mate… in you.
One
of the things that happens when you choose solitude is that you also start to
devote more energy to developing you – yes, me, myself and I. And as I started
doing more things to get reacquainted with myself, I discovered things about
myself that I liked…and loved!
It
is essential for us to have a loving relationship with our selves. What I mean
here is that we show loving kindness towards ourselves just as we
would towards an intimate partner. Likewise that we forgive ourselves
whenever we make mistakes. These qualities are also known as self-compassion and it
should come as no surprise that people with high levels of self-compassion experience
life more positively, they are indeed happier.2
So
what does this mean? As Dr. Brene Brown
has so astutely observed, “you can’t love others more than you love yourself.” 3
For
me, it’s made me rethink my definitions for soul mates and true love - that’s
there’s a sense of inner love required here as well. I used to wish on the
first evening stars and shooting stars and say I wish for “true love.” The day
that I finally realized that true love was me
was the day that I realized that my wish had been fulfilled.
All in all, the year has been plentiful with love and connection... I guess I've been celebrating Valentine's Day all along?
P.S.
- Thank you DocLo for rebooting the conversation on this
Resources
3. Dr. Brene Brown, “The Power of
Vulnerability”
yvonneberenguer (c) 2014
